Gamesylvania

Let’s get a few things straight: first, cars are awesome. This is a fact. But cars, by themselves, are not as awesome as you might expect. As of this writing, my ’94 Buick Century is buried in a foot and a half of snow in the parking lot at work, but I’m not at work. I had to bum a ride home in a Jeep 4×4 or I’d still be there. My car is not awesome. But you know how I could make it a lot more awesome?

Thing you need to get straight number 2: Guns are awesome. If I could mount guns to the front of my car, snow wouldn’t dare land on it. Snow would not be bad-ass enough to even attempt it. If I had guns on the front of my car, I’d step on the gas, do a wheel-stand and shoot the sky in the face.

PEW-PEW! Take that, Storm of the Century!

Of course, my car still couldn’t do a wheel-stand, so I’m kinda back at square-one. This is just one reason why the RoadBlasters car is better than my car, and yours, too, most likely. Think I’m kidding? Check this out:

RoadBlasters is an arcade game released by Atari Games in 1987. It features a high-performance sports car with forward-mounted machine guns and other mountable power-ups, such as nitro boost, electro shields and cruise missiles. These power-ups are delivered by a jet that drops them from the sky. How friggin’ awesome is that? Need I mention the futuristic, possibly post-apocalyptic setting? The road-side turrets, mines and enemy vehicles you have to fight along the road to glory? Ask yourself this: do you currently or have you ever lived in a futuristic, possibly post-apocalyptic setting? No, I didn’t think so. The RoadBlasters car already has too much kung fu for you to grip. Let’s move on.

Let's see Mr. McFeely make a speedy delivery of this magnitude.

Not only was the RoadBlasters car heavily-armed, it also had a kick-ass engine. Based on the power of the engine (enough to do a wheel-stand off the line) and top speed (212 without nitro, 298 with; although it’s unclear whether this was in miles or kilometers per hour) I’d say it had something rather mighty under the hood. This, however, brings us to our first downside: gas mileage.

Fuel economy was your primary enemy in RoadBlasters; just idling is enough to drain the tank in a matter of minutes. With gas prices the way they are, suffice it to say you won’t be taking the RoadBlasters car on errand runs. Unless, of course, becoming the primary cause of death of local pedestrians is the errand you are running. Fortunately, green fuel globes are almost everywhere; hit a few, restore your fuel levels and keep your multiplier high to get the most reward at the end of your trip. Milk, eggs, death… check, check and triple-check.

Fuel-globes: forget swiping your card at the pump. One day, this is how we'll all get our gas.

Another weakness was that the car was easy to destroy; merely denting the fender was enough to trigger an explosion. On one hand, this sucks. On the other hand, you got as many cars as you could possibly destroy. Again, running out of fuel was the only real way to lose at RoadBlasters. (Note: the fuel consumption mechanic was used as a timer, or pace-setter. It was how the game designers assured that you’d need to keep pumping quarters into the machine if you wanted to keep playing. It also kept arcade trolls from being dicks and hogging the machine by leaving it idle.)

This is what would happen if a jealous ex-girlfriend were to key your RoadBlasters car at the mall. Ouch.

Hopefully, by now, you are convinced. In the pantheon of truly radical 80s cars, you have The DeLorean from Back to the Future, K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider and the RoadBlasters car. In fact, the only way you could make the RoadBlasters car better is to give it a Flux Capacitor, Mr. Feeney’s voice and that “whoo-whoo” red light thing on the hood. RoadBlasters car, we salute you!

E-brake slide into victory, RoadBlasters car. You've earned it!