Gamesylvania

I saw it sitting in a box with a sign that read, “Chinese Candy – 25 cents,” and I couldn’t help myself — I had to have some. I love trying new foods, especially exotic, foreign candy. Anytime someone comes up with a new way of putting sugar in a shiny package, I’m all over it. Here, then, was my first encounter with a little something called Botan Rice Candy.

Fat Baby approved.

First of all, they aren’t Chinese; they’re Japanese. I don’t really hold it against the people who were selling it for not knowing the difference — I sure didn’t know the difference — but now that I know what these things really are, I’m being snooty and holding it above anyone who says otherwise. Chinese candy? Please — I’m too cultured and well-rounded to be that ignorant. I have Wikipedia; I’M FROM THE INTERNET. So, educate yourself before we move on. It’s a short article…

Finished learning? Ok, good. Now, I don’t often write about food because I’m not much of a foodie. I mean, look around… articles about Master Blaster, video game items made out of clay, interviews with awesome people… Oh, and all of this just to bring your attention to my struggling foray into entrepreneurship (please buy something!) But I do like writing, and this gives me something to write about. So, please indulge. (and buy something)

In the past few weeks, my friends and I have been taking small, gastronomic journeys — tiny trips into the tastes of cultures not familiar to ourselves. Basically, this just means eating whatever weird shit we can find. For example, I tried BBQ chicken hearts for the first time about 2 weeks ago. It was strange and exciting — the kind of thing I couldn’t keep to myself as I Twittered feverishly in an attempt to garner attention to the fact that I had just engaged in the seemingly macabre act of devouring several, real, actual chicken’s hearta, smothered in barbecue sauce and served up in a small plastic bowl. Was it weird? Oh, yeah… I was left with a lingering sensation of, “What have I done?” for the next day or so. But was it good? It was good. It was very good. Weird, but good; that’s what we’re going for here.

Now, the first thing that kind of threw me off about Botan Rice Candy was the name. Rice is good; I like rice. But rice candy? Well, rice is a cereal grain, and like all grains it’s going to have carbohydrates and sugars in it, so it’s shouldn’t take too much of a stretch of the imagination to see how rice could be turned into a tasty confection, but it was the thin, plastic-like wrapper that envelopes the candy which led to a lot of confusion during the car trip home. You see, we didn’t realize that plastic stuff was edible.

At first, I assumed I had stumbled into some kind of Yo, Dog reference in candy form. I mean, a wrapper in a wrapper? Except, I don’t like wrappers, so putting a wrapper in a wrapper was the most annoying thing you could do to me. The worst part was that the wrapper was hopelessly stuck to the candy. Try as I might, I couldn’t free the treat from it’s transparent prison without ripping it to shreds and leaving little bits and pieces behind. I just wanted the damn candy; who thought up this kind of torture? Is this the kind of candy you give to children who are bad? “Well, you didn’t finish your homework, so your brother and sister are getting Tootsie Rolls, which only have one, easily removable wrapper; but you’re getting Botan Rice Candy. Have fun trying to eat the candy with all this plastic shit stuck to it! You’ll especially enjoy yourself later when it gets all tangled up in your intestines! Bet you’ll never forget to finish your homework again!” Except, no — you eat the plastic; it’s made from rice! It’s perfectly harmless! Somehow, those crafty confectionary geniuses figured out how to make a thin, transparent film out of rice and wrapped the candy in it. Note: the outer layer IS plastic; you don’t eat that bit. It’s the clear stuff inside that’s fair game. Crazy, right?

Of course, all of this confusion might have easily been avoided if I’d chosen to read the box:

This probably should have been printed on the OUTSIDE of the box.

Well, to be fair, they put the instructions on the inside, which is usually where you’ll find bizarre, useless information, like where the box was made, FDA warnings or even anti-drug PSAs. How was I supposed to know?

Speaking of confusing information, this is supposed to be a dog:

Yo, dog, this weird-looking dog looks weird, yo.

See? I have no idea… I thought that was supposed to be a cat. I wander through my life in a self-imposed, semi-concious state which allows me to glide smoothly across the endless potholes and speed bumps along the way. Only when taking the time to try some new kind of candy do I come down, out of my haze.

Botan Rice Candy is pretty good, but this isn’t anything that generations of children haven’t already known. It has a chewy texture that lasts for a while without dissolving right away. The flavor isn’t anything special — a sort of nondescript citrus flavor that lingers a while. Adding to the fun is the free sticker that comes inside, almost worth the price of admission all by itself.

WHY, GOD?? WHYYYYY??!!?!?!

The sticker, asking the humble question, “Why?” is probably the most appropriate question you could be asking yourself, right now. As in, “Why am I eating plastic? WHY, GOD? WHY? Who thought this was a good idea? WHY?” Some questions just weren’t meant to be answered.

Got some exotic candy you think I should try? Care to explain that fat baby picture? Or maybe you just want to chastise me for writing about candy instead of video games. Have at me in the comments. I’ve got nothing better to do.

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